Health and Safety

For reasons to boring to explain here, I'm staying at Essex University, in the 'de luxe' student accommodation. De luxe means, in this case, that one still has a plastic impermeable mattress, pillow and duvet, and electric storage heaters, with a control knob that goes from 'random' to 'not labelled' - combined with the quality of the bedding, means that one wakes up most nights either in a pool of sweat, or shivering. However, luxury means that we have an en suite bathroom and shower, ensuring that the pervasive dampness never quite leaves the room. Any mention of any of this in front of anyone who is staying in the regular (tourist class? economy?) causes howls of derision, and makes them throw things. So I'd better stop.

The kitchen is festooned with more health and safety type notices than I've ever seen, anywhere. We are warned not to:

• Warm baby food in the microwave (or if we do, we are to stir it extremely well), warm liquids in the microwave only in unsealed containers, and to beware of superheated water from the microwave. (That's on a sticker on the wall).
• On the microwave itself we are told that we are to ensure it is kept in a dry, grease free room (so our bedrooms are out).
• We are not to dry clothes on the heaters - or indeed place anything within 8 inches of the heaters. And to be generally careful with them.
  
• The blinds, most of which are over the counters, have string control things to open and close them. We are not to allow children to play with them. (There's one of those warnings on every blind).
  
• We are not to leave chip pans unattended (can we leave anything else unattended?) We are supplied with kitchen implements, and they do not actually include a chip pan (or a toaster, but that's another blog).
  
• If we do leave a chip pan unattended, and it catches fire we are to put it out with the fire blanket. And then not touch if for 30 minutes.
• We are not to put broken crockery in the bin (the people who empty the bin might cut themselves on it, and then we may be liable for their injuries, we are told).
• There is currently a 'danger: wet floor' sign on the door of the kitchen, because the floor was mopped three days ago (which made it wet) and the sign has not yet been removed.
• If we do ignore all these signs and require urgent first aid, an ambulance, the fire brigade or anything else like that, we can dial ext. 2222.
• But if we ignore all the signs and require first aid that isn't urgent, we dial 2225. So when bleeding I need to make an estimate of the time it will take before I expire, and then judge which number to call. But what if my definition of non-urgent is 30 minutes to exsanguination, and theirs is one hour. Will they be liable? Will I? Who are 'they' anyway?
• On the front door, we are told that smoking is permitted in the flat. Luckily for us, elsewhere we are told that smoking is not permitted.