Alone

S and the boys and have gone to Germany, for 5 weeks, leaving me here (not for all 5 weeks, I'm off to England). My life has suddenly lost it's structure. For the first time in I've forgotten how long (actually, it's probably 5 years and 2 weeks) I don't have to get up in the morning at a certain time - like when someone shouts "Daddy, is it daytime?"

It's like driving around without a map lady. I'm unconstrained - I can go anywhere I want to go, but I don't know where I want to go. Some mornings, I get up a 6:30, and go straight to work - I shower, eat breakfast, drink coffee all at work. And there's no reason to go home. (I read another blog recently where someone wrote about infinite time - because of the nature of our jobs, it's never finished. If you gave us an infinite amount of time, we could use it all up.) So I can go home at 10pm, if I want to (and sometimes I do.)

I hope that's not making it sound all bad. Because, at least to start with, it's not.

Have you ever seen that email that people send around? I've just tried to find it, and I can't. It goes something like "Do you feel tired all the time? Listless? Lacking in energy? Do you feel that you are getting older, and there isn't enough time to do the things you want? Do you and your spouse spend time just talking any more? have you wondered what is wrong? The answer is: You've got children."

I thought I was just getting old or something, but sudden, I find that I don't have to fight the urge to go to bed, starting at 9pm, and usually succumbing by 10. I can stay up late. And I can still get up at the same time. I don't know how the boys manage to suck the life force from me - but I've realized that they do.

Tomorrow I'm going to go on a bike ride. Not to go somewhere, but for fun. Just to go out. I can't remember the last time I did that, but I'm prepared to bet it was slightly more than 5 years and 2 weeks ago.