Earthquake Kit

For the nursery, we needed to prepare an earthquake kit. In case there's an earthquake, it's not a science project that involves making them or anything like that.
The earthquake kit contains very detailed instructions, but because we don't know what details are important, we don't know which ones we can ignore. We needed, for each boy, a 12 oz can of fruit juice, with a pop-top. Now fruit juice doesn't normally come in a can with a pop-top, that's for fizzy pop and stuff like that. Was it OK to have cartons of fruit juice, or was it better to have cans of something that looked a bit like fruit juice, but wasn't exactly fruit juice? We didn't know. After much trawling around different shops, we found 12 oz cans of fizzy apple juice in WholeFoods Market, and they would have to do.
We also needed three cans of meat, again with a pop top. Now, if you're vegetarian, getting cans of meat at all is a bit tricky, and if they have to have a pop top, that really narrows it down. We didn't really know why they had to have cans of meat, and didn't know what it could be substituted with. Beans? Carrots? So, we tied to get some sort of meat substitute, which the boys were never going to eat, and we'd just have to hope that any earthquakes could wait until they boys were at school. Wholefoods Market couldn't help - the assistant tried really hard, but was confused. "We've got soya mince over here." "Is it in a can?" "Errmmm no." No good then.
Eventually we tracked down a selection of things like meatballs, which weren't in pop tops, so we bought two can openers to put in the earthquake kit bag, with the cans of meat. We bought a third can opener to keep at home, and every time we open a can, we try to get the boys to help. (They don't.)
We also needed crackers. The nursery is very, very strict on allergies, so these crackers must not contain nuts, peanuts or shellfish, and must be in a packet that says that they are made in a factory that does not process nuts, peanuts or shellfish. Our first attempt at this failed, and the crackers were returned to us with a note. (It wasn't a production line, it was a factory, that must avoid it. The nursery single out Trader Joe's as a shop that you can't buy stuff from. If you ever send your children with something that looks like peanut butter, but isn't (for example soy butter) you have to make sure the teacher knows, so that your children isn't physically removed from the school. The children are also not allowed to share any food.
Sorry, got off the point there. Where were we? Oh yes, the earthquake kit. It also had to have a family photo, and a comforting letter. What were we supposed to write in a comforting letter after an earthquake.
"Mummy and Daddy will be there, just as soon as the sniffer dogs find them under the kitchen table in the ruins of what was our house."
"Mummy and Daddy will come and take you to the Red Cross Evacuation Centre as soon as the competent people at FEMA say that the risk of aftershocks has gone down."
"Mummy and Daddy probably weren't washed away by that tidal wave because our house is on a hill, and although Daddy rides his bike along the beach he knows that if the water goes away a long way you shouldn't go and look but should ride your bike in the other direction. And he can ride quite fast."