Tales of the Inlaws

I can't recount every tale of the inlaws, because it would take so long that I wouldn't be around to see any more tales of the inlaws, so I'm only going to tell a couple.

Black tea: We were going shopping. Tea was on the shopping list. "Black tea" says Opa. "Tea means black tea", I reply. "Green tea, red tea, black tea. Must have black tea. Schwarztee" (that last bit was German).

I know it's called Black tea in German, but in English it's just tea. If you ask for black tea, people won't know what you mean. It's just called tea in English. I try to explain this carefully and slowly. He doesn't understand.

Black tea. Not green tea or red tea. Black tea. He says.

It's my fucking language (!) I know what to ask for when you want tea. Why doesn't he believe me!!! We have this every time we go shopping, or every time we are out and he wants tea. Arrrgggghhh!!!! (And now I've gone way over my exclamation mark quota).

Microwave: Our microwave has the best UI (geeky term - pronounced you-ee, stands for user interface) I've ever seen on a microwave (and I use to think our old one was good). Usually on a microwave, you want to cook something for 3 minutes or 2 minutes or something like that. Often you have to press power, and then the time (two, zero, zero) and then start - that's 6 buttons to press. But the microwave we have now is like an exercise in parsimonious control. You put the food in, and if you want it doing for two minutes, you press 2. Nothing else. It starts and goes for 2 minutes. For 1 minute you press 1. Nothing else. Just 1. For 5 minutes, you press 5. Etc. (There are lots of other clever things you can do, but really, how often do you need them?)

So Opa is confused by the microwave. He asks for help. I show him. He looks confused. I explain it to him slowly (there's hardly anything to explain). He wants to know where the rest of the buttons are. Or what the magical thing I did to control the microwave with the power of thought. Or something like that.

I explain it again. He shrugs and walks off - he thinks it's beyond him, and there's no point trying.

He's like one of those people who, when the computer says "Press any key to continue" phone up the helpline because they can't find the "any" key.